fathers' day.

hm.everyone posted about fathers' day.

yet, I did not even wish abah father's day. *wait.we never celebrate fathers' day.

its not that I dont want to, but i'll feel awkward saying that to abah.

yep.Im not that close to abah, but I am really close to mama. Anything, everything I shared with mama.


but the reality is
I really miss the times when I was small. being the only daughter in the family, I was the closest to abah. abah,dukung. abah, beli ni. abah, nak tido. abah, pegang amal naik basikal. abah, nak pegi toilet. abah, nak gi kedai. abah, nak makan. everything was with abah. If I were to flashback the times before I was 8, I can only remember doing things with abah. only a few with mama.


*amaran pertama: this is going to be a very emotional post. if you want to criticize me of being so emotional, you can stop reading untill here.

I can still remember how I asked abah for a bicycle. there was a bicycle shop right infront of our house back in andalas. at that time I was still on four wheels, going to the field *playground* every evening with abah. my two brothers had their own big bicycle. of course i'd call them big because mine was the smallest! abah was the one who'll push me at the back,holding the handle carefully for me. even when the extra 2 wheels were taken out, abah still holds me at the back. the word 'bicycle' itself reminds me of an incident where I was riding with abah on his bicycle. I was at the back,holding him tightly going around the field. being a 4 years old kid, I did not know where exactly to rest my two hanging legs, when suddenly I felt pain on my left foot. I remembered screaming and crying because the pain was like hell.abah stopped, turned around to see that my left foot was bleeding. a lot! a month after that, I couldnt walk properly. going up and down the stairs, abah held my hands so that I dont pressure my foot too much. abah I love you. thats about the bicycle.

To tell you how close I was with abah, if you flip through my album you'll find lots and lots of pictures with me and abah. only a few with mama. I remembered how every evening when I got back from kindy, i'll run to abah and sit on his laps. When I was smaller, abah will put me on his laps while he's driving and let me hold the stereng. *eh.how to spell?*. every morning when I woke up to see abah is already in his work uniform, I will take his belt and put it on for him. oh! and I wont forget how he used to dry my hair.

ah.I cant continue this. my tearglands wont stop the tears from falling!

*amaran kedua: I am going to confess my weakness here. So if you find that up till here,the post is unsuitable for you to read,stop reading it.

but things changed. as I grew up, I dont know how. no more pictures of me and abah alone. I dont know when was the last time we even hugged. I couldnt recall. must be a long time ago. like I said, as I grew up, I became closer to mama. everything was with mama. all my secrets, all my sadness,hapiness.

abah's love for me wont change. I know that.but if only he knew how I wished things would be the same as when I was small, it would be better. people asked, where is my father? why is there only stories about your mother,what about your father?

let me tell you something that I cant even hide. I am very sensitive when it comes to abah. it has been years, after wishing abah his birthday through sms, I'll cry myself to sleep. *ah.kalau korang paham lah perasaan aku. last year, I totally forgot his birthday. only a few days after his birthday that I realized I missed his birthday! I was crying like I was going to faint. now, another fact about myself. I do cry because of my parents. but when I cry because it's about abah, it suffers me more. why? because I think thats the only time when I cry out loud, finding myself sobbing,gasping for air and finding my heart was going to burst for hours. like how i did yesterday. maybe because it was father's day and I couldnt say anything to abah.

there are still a lot that i want to tell.but i think i should stop now. two nights crying myself to sleep, made me feels sobby all day.

amaran ketiga: no one should ever talk to me about this post. i just feel like posting this, and since I own this blog, its my right to write anything here. anda geli geleman? anda rasa pelik dengan emosi saya? I've given you two amarans up there .




abah. I love you bah. sorry for not saying to you directly.